Ron's Fruitcake
by OOHPRETTYLIGHTS
Summary: Ron has fruitcake issues. Exceedingly stupid.
1. And so it begins

**First story EVER! Flames allowed and LOVED!**

Ronald Weasley _loved _fruitcake. He enjoyed that it had many functions such as a paperweight, a brick, or the mix could be cement. He liked attempting top eat it and chipping his teeth. He always burned it, though, so he made Harry make it. Harry Potter. Best buddy to Ron, Boy Who Lived, Dumbledore's second favorite (Hermione is his favorite) student, etc. When poor Harrhy made Ron his best ever fruitcake as a birthday present, though, he was not prepared for what awaited him.

When Harry finally made it to Ron's home, he had a large fruitcake in hand and was ready for insanity and chaos (and alchohol). They were having a good time, getting drunk and dancing. Then Ron suddenly grabbed the untouched fruitcake and began to kiss it. Harry laughed and threw a pillow at Ron's head. Ron never looked up, just ran down the hall clutching his fruitcake like a lifeline. Harry then decided it was bedtime and oassed out on the floor.

Ron was in the hall, still kissing his fruicake. He was mumbling "Mmmmm. Fruity, nutty goodness." The fruitcake was an amazing kisser apparently, so he wasn't stopping any time soon.

The next thing poor Ron heard was Hermione screaming at him to wake up. His head huret and his stomach rolled as he clutched his fruitcake. He had to work, but he didn't leave the poor fruitcake home. He took it with him. If Harry'd known what was waiting for him at the Auror office he probably would have brought a camera. As it was, he conjured one immediately.

Ron was, of course, kissing his fruitcake. He was making wedding plans already. All the fruitcake thought was "Yum."

**Next chapter...that way -**


	2. Therapy

**I decided to post this. If you didn't like Ch. 1, you shouldn't read this. The ideas come and I write. And OMYGOSH I HAVE FOREIGN READERS! Please review, if you aren't American (actually I ain't picky, review anyway).**

Hermione had had enough. Ron was still upset over the whole incident with Harry and the 'F Word'. He wouldn't even _say _fruitcake anymore. She was worried, and it had come to the point she called a therapist. Ron wrote down therapist for her and divided it, saying, "Look, Hermione. Therapist= the/rapist. That scares me! I don't want to go!" She told him he was going anyway. He argued and finally remembered that she was (gasp!) smarter than he was and he was losing that fight.

She made him an appointment, and the next day took him to the office. She petrified him so he couldn't leave and went to sign him in. Thank God it was a wizarding facility! He struggled nonetheless and freaked out when he was called in. Hermione smacked his head when he said he didn't want to go. _Golly__1__,he sounds like a child._ If she hadn't come he probably would have run away. As it was, he ticked the therapist off when he hit her as he was struggling.

**CONFIDENTIAL: REPORT ON RONALD WEASELY**

RONALD APPEARS TO HAVE A STRANGE THOUGHT: FRUITCAKES ARE GOOD KISSERS.

WE CAN PROBABLY CURE HIM, BUT HE HAS BEEN MENTALLY DAMAGED BY SEEING HIS BEST FRIEND KILL HIS LOVE AND COMMIT SUICIDE.

POOR RON, HE IS NOW AFRAID TO SAY FRUITCAKE.

As the therapist reread the report for the millionth time, she realized that Ron had one thing that might cure him. Hermione.

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease,, Hermione? Pleeeeeeeeeease, with an Every Flavor Bean on top?"

"Ron, you have to continue to see this woman. Sorry, but that's what has to happen."

Ron hated his therapist. She asked him personal questions that completely freaked him out. She had one of those awful Quick-Quotes Quills, too. He had snapped it at one point, but she just muttered_ Reparo_ and kept on. Next time, he was going to punch her. He, unlike other guys, had no problem hitting a girl, if he had a good enough reason.

When Hermione had come in to get him after an hour, he had been shaking with rage. She hugged him and said it was okay, they were going home. He was currently staying with her because she did not trust him to be alone. He knew that she was right. He needed the therapy, but he needed _her_ to talk to him, not that creepy woman. Hermione didn't understand. If only she knew about the dreams.

_The fruitcake looked so beautiful, it had nuts and all kinds of fruity things in it. He shouldn't do this, he knew. It wasn't even human! How did he get into this problem, while the fruitcake got him out of his pants? He simply did not see what he did to deserve this. Ah, well now. This was an awkward position, but he realized that he wanted it too. Wow. He really shouldn't-"!"_

"What the heck, Hermione? Are you_ insane_?" He had fallen asleep thinking about the dream! How does that even happen?

"No, Ronald, I am not insane! You are going miss your appointment if you sleep any later!"

"And the bad news...?" He was trying to make her forget about it. Not working! Crap! He decided to tell her the truth.

"Hermione?"

"Hmmm?"

"This therapy-"

"The doctor said you did great!"

"Ugh! Don't you get it? I need somebody I _know_ to talk about this with me!"

"Okay, I'll see what can be done."

Meeeanwhile: (Spooky voice)

The fruitcake, now covered in crap from the dump, was heading home. To his love. His Ron. Who tasted like liquor and potato chips. _I'm coming, Love. See you soon._

**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ROOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNN! I don't like this chapter as much as the first...**


End file.
